Blue Cheese and Olives

Having been married for almost 9 months and together for years, Nola and I have worked hard on compromise and listening to one another in order to say connected and avoid or solve fights that may arise. Recently, we were headed to a party where we needed to bring a dish to pass. I suggested a rhubarb tart, she wanted to make a quiche. I headed to my grandmother’s to visit and she headed off on a bike ride, we would meet up later and go to the party. I walked in to her shouting “I hate this recipe! you have to stir until your arm falls off!” I was shocked to come home to her yelling, this is not her normal way.  I responded by slamming the door and saying I was not going to the stupid party (this was a party I had been looking forward to for months). We were not listening or being fair.

We finally spent  sometime talking and she revealed that her bike tire was flat so she couldn’t ride and felt she had to make what I wanted because I suggested it more than once. We discussed that she can tell me to take a flying leap and that we would fix the bike so that she can go on a ride. She had missed out on something she loves to do.

This is on example of everyday life, compromise and living together. We take pride in the fact that we are good communicators and we are both willing to compromise for each other. We both also take pride in the fact that we both eat just about anything. With one exception for each of us I don’t like olives and Nola does not like blue cheese. When we were wine tasting a few weekends ago and found blue cheese stuffed olives we decide it was “compromise in a bottle”

Kevin’s Brain- in case you’re interested.

 

He has a little black eye, great color and is complaining of a headache.  He looked at me for about 15 seconds and said sorry I’m not paying attention and curled back up to go to sleep. Made me feel much better to see his eyes. Recovery will be slow, he seems to be doing great though.

My little brother post surgery

 

He is giving his wife a hard time, asking for a fan because he is hot and telling everybody to get out so he can sleep…. Long day with great results.

My-little-brother

My brother has been my built in best friend since the day he was born. The day he was brought him home from the hospital my great aunt Ethel gave me a little rocking chair she had redone for me, she though maybe I would be jealous of my parents bringing a new baby home. Legends has it that I stuffed the rocking chair in the closet andsaid I wanted to hold him.(sorry Ethel) We grew up best friends, surfing on the couch cushions, playing with legos, match box cars, playing on all the same sports teams, hours of badminton tournaments, cray fish hunting andpaling around, we still do.

                                                                                      

 

                                                                                                

He had what he called “the feeling”  from very early on and he needed a hug during and after the feeling was happening. We went to Montessori school partly so that he could find me when he was having “the feeling” and hug me. He was taken to doctors and psychologist throughout his childhood and we were told “the feeling” were anxiety attacks. He was given skills to deal with these attacks and life went on.

He also has a tendency towards obsessive-compulsivedisorder, along with his anxiety attacks anda  language of his own to describe how he was feeling. We would ride around in our 1970’s Pontiac that had only lap belts in the back. He would often look at my belt and if it was twisted in any way he would say “I’m nervous for you to fix that!”  If you really wanted to drive him nuts you could leave the drawers slightly openin the kitchen. He was “super nervous for that” (my dad would pull the drawers out right before he was gonna come home to drive him nuts). Any rugs with fringes had to be combed to perfection. Good thing we had a cleaning person to take care of that, I actually think she was hired to take care of his obsessions.

He has also been a daredevil extraordinaire his whole life and I have always been the very cautious one. When he was learning to ride a bike he took off as fast as he could down the street and I followed. He whipped out big time in some body’s yard,he was covered in blood and laying in their yard because he didn’t really know how to stop, yet. I tried to tell him this before he took off, he said he didn’t care.

He also did a lot of twirling. Two times around and then he would have to go two times back. This was a constant struggle. If he touched something he HAD to touch it again. We ended up in loosing him in New York City one time because he touched a bus stop and broke away from my mom’s hand because he “was nervous to touch it again”. This incident landed him in more psychologist appointments.

Meanwhile we were growing up. We were Bo and Luke Duke, played S.W.A.T watched WWF and the A-team, kicking the soccer ball in the back yard, as we got older shared secrets and were always sharing our lives. 

Later in life decided to live in a duplex, I was upstairs and he and Joy were downstairs. Our animals went in and out of each apartments and our lives were intertwined. While we were living there when his best friend passed away. Watching Kevin throughout Ronnie’s illness was heart breaking. He would often show up in my living room and talk for hours about Ronnie and how sick he was and how scared he was. The day Ronnie died he showed up in tears, tears I could not make go away. Throughout most of his life I have been able to help in some way, not this time. He was navigating new territory and I was along for the ride.

His girlfriend became one of my best friends and we supported each other through everything. One Christmas I receivedahysterical call form Joy “Carter is missing, I thought I tied him up…” (carter is their dog). As I drove over to help I found Joy walking down State Street andcrying, Kevin pacing by their house. I sent them both inside andpromptly foundCarter. We all went on a trip to Ireland. Kevin,  Joy and I split up from my parents for a while. I showed them where I had gone to school in Cork anddrove them to many of the places I had visited. Truth be known Kevin slept and Joy and I drove talked and hiked. We spent New Years Eve in Dublin, Joy and I were laughing, drinking and having fun Kevin was rolling his eyes at us and saying we needed to go back to the hotel. He said “we were out of control”

As we have both traveled through our lives, we have remained extremely close and helped each other through thick and thin.  About a year and half ago I was  supposed to chaperone’s a youth conference in Rochester. I was headed to meet and pick up the kids and Gretchen drove by my brother’s house as she was headed somewhere. She called and said “you need to meet me at your brother’s” I was annoyed and said I was on my way to pick up the kids. She tried to tell me in a few different ways to come without telling me there was an ambulance at Kevin’s house. I was not listening. Then she said ambulance and I raced to his house, left my car running in the middle of the road and went sprinting into the house. Joy was 5 or so months pregnant at that point all that I was thinking was “something is wrong with thatbaby”. I ran in to find police and ambulance people. I couldn’t find Kevin or Joy. I was in complete panic. I was told Kevin had a  seizure andthey were taking him to the hospital. I finally found Joy she melted into a puddle in my arms.  He was belligerent and not cooperating and giving dirty looks to everyone. As they brought him past on the stretcher he winked andsmiled at me. I knew he was aware who I was. Gretchen swept in called my parents, found Joy’s purse and locked up the house. We all spent a terrifying night in the hospital, he was incoherent and restless. They were doing spinal taps andallkinds of tests to find out what had cause his seizure. Was in meningitis? Drugs? Who knows?

 

He has spent the last year and a half continuing having seizures and focal seizures. The doctors have now come to believe the day he and I were jumping on the bed he was 2 and I was 4 and he dove off headfirst and got a concussion (I told him not to, he did it anyway) was the begining of all of this. They believe he has a brain injury that is causing his seizures and consequently”the feeling” were seizures not anxiety. Medicine has come a long way, many people that were diagnose with anxiety attacks are now finding out they are seizures.

First June is Kevin’s birthday. We are all going out to dinner in Rochester to celebrate his birthday. June 2nd he will go in for brain surgery to hopefully stop these seizures once and for all. Anybody that knows me knows Gretchen andIjust spent time in a hospital for her illness. The thought of spending time in a hospital again has been really hard for me. He is expected to be there a week possibly longer, it will all depend. Gretchen was told 2-3 days and that turned into a nightmare of two weeks. I am dreaming about our time living on the 8th floor at Sloan almost every night. My grandma is feeding all of us as much as possible. My mom and dad though they would get their mind off of this by putting their house on the market and building a new one (that madness has ceased thank god). We are all in a holding pattern it feels like deja vu sort of.

I can see when he is going to have a seizure, I worry every time he pauses in a sentence. Yet, I know this surgery will be a new lease on life seizure free. As Gretchen’s surgery was to make her cancer free. It is going to be fine, it is still scary.

 

 

Jamie and his puddles

Daddy-O lost his job very early on in the school year and has been job searching ever since. Because of this he is usually the parent that picks Jamie up. Keep in mind Jamie is a 5 year old and Daddy-O is a huge man. When Daddy-O arrives we call for Jamie, the kid would spend his life outside if left to his own devises. When he comes in and sees Daddy-O he yells “Daddy-O is that you?” then goes running into his arms. This routine always puts a smile on my face everytime.

Daddy-O shared with me recently that visitaion with Jamies biological family has stopped all together. This also means the adoption is back on track. The new date s sometime in early July. Jamie still has his issues but has the consisitancy of Papa and Daddy-O everyday. He will eventually become more trusting and well adjusted.

Last weekend after leaving the farmer’s market, I spotted a father and son on bikes headed towards us. The little boy was running through every mud puddle, more than once. As they got closer I saw it was Papa and Jamie. Jamie screamed “Leah, look at me” and he drove through every puddle in the vicinity. Papa told me he makes sure to get him out on the weekends and make sure he goes through puddles and gets dirty. This too put a smile on my face.

Papa called yesterday and said he was taking Jamie for a hike rather then sending him to us. I just imagined him running through puddles and being alowed to get dirty. He is 5 years old and needs to get dirty thia is a calling that nobody can take away from him. It warms my hear that he has found a home to get dirty in…

New Baby

 

The mother’s blessing worked, baby Virgina is here. Happy, health and LATE according to mama Jen.

 

 

 

The Happy family. Jen, Thamora, big brother Aiden and Virgina Rose.

 

Welcome to the world. We will all surround you with love, we promise!

Slowing down

Slowing down and some ritual  is something I am always looking for. We do a good job of making diner, setting the table and slowing down to eat a good meal together, this is a ritual time for us.  Church is also supposed to be a place to slow down and find ritual. For me working with the high school kids, looking for service projects and developing our own curriculum, getting all the gossip from the week it’s seldom down time for me. Last Sunday morning I ditched my teenagers at church to attend a mother’s blessing for my good friend whom is expecting, well, any minute . I had never attended a mother’s blessing and I was intrigued. As we arrived tea was served and people milled about waited and chatted.

As we formed a circle  music by Sweet Honey and the Rock started and we all settled in, warm tea in hand to partake in this ceremony. We introduced ourselves, our names and then our lineage for example I am Leah, daughter of Kristie, daughter of Jessie, daughter of Josephine, daughter of Grandma Rye. In the invitation we were asked to bring  items that we feel needed to be recharged. After introducing ourselves we placed them on the alter in the middle of the circle along with seeds from everybody that they will plant later on. We shared our item, why we brought it and what it meant to us. Some people said it out loud, some to themselves. Some shared poems, thoughts or wisdom about birthing a baby and Thamora (mom to be) and Jen (other mom to be)  talked about their fertility alter, thanked the guys who donate theirsperm showed us what was items were a part of their alter and then smudged the house.

Thamora throughout her pregnancy has  been thinking about how her hair will fall out in clumps after birth and she decided she wanted to cut it and donate it before it started falling out. We all brushed her hair and then the last person to have a baby chopped it off. The ritual was then closed with the representation of the umbilical cord and how we are all interconnected. We wrapped string around our wrist each wrist connected to the next. We cut the cord and tied the string to our own wrists, we are to wear it until the baby safely arrives. One week later I am still wearing the string, the presences of it reminds me of the impending birth and I am sending energy to Thamora and the baby all the time.

We then painted cloth that they will hang like Tibetan prayer flags while we enjoyed homemade french onion soup and rubens (complete with homemade sourkraut). It was a peaceful morning in the midst of hectic lives and non-stop “stuff to do”. It forced Nola and I to slow down. We run from work, to all of our activities. Coaching softball, playing bells, committees, eating meals with friends making ,sure the dogs get enough exercise, board meetings, etc. We are usually exhausted by the end of the week.

We  decided last night to have our own quiet space. Our local bar celebrated earth hour by turning off lights, ovens, music etc. and serving drinks by candle light on Saturday night. We already had plans for Saturday night when we received the email. So, we had our own earth night last night. The dogs were walked, house was clean, to-do lists for the week written, laundry finished. Anything else would have to wait.

Dinner and the rest of the night was by candle light and fire in the fire place. No music, no computers, just us. We enjoyed dinner and sat on the couch and watched the candles dance, the fire burn and listened to the sounds in our little house. Turns out we have a busy house with 5 beings other than us bustling around. We both slowed down, talked laughed and sat in silence, it was nice. We are well rested and ready for another crazy week.

Tales of Jamie

I was sitting at my desk working on paper work for this summer, all of the sudden I see all the kids from the gym come running in with looks of concern on their faces. In the back of the line is little Jamie and right behind him were the staff that were working in the gym with the kids.

Jamie comes over to me and says “Leah, I blew up, twice!” I looked to the staff for some clarification, the were standing there with their noses plugged and I understood then that blowing up in Jamie’s world means- throwing up to the rest of us. I called daddy-0 to come get him because the rule is if you blow up you must go home, so that the rest of us don’t blow up too. When I told Jamie daddy-o was coming he said “why, I feel better now, I wanna stay and play.” I explained the rules and told him he need to get some rest.

When daddy-o came to get him he said Jamie had been sick on Saturday, but fine since then. When they went in to get him up Saturday morning he was laying in his own vomit. daddy-o and papa asked him why he didn’t come get them so they could help him clean up? He said “what do you mean clean me up? nobody has done that before.”

Daddy-o told me they get a little more sad the more the learn about Jamie’s past and hope the adoption can happen soon so they can all move forward.

Jay Kaplan

On December 24 a friend of our family’s passed away.  He was an aspiring film maker and lived with his bride of 6 months or so in L.A.

The memorial service was last month, it was so emotional I could not write about it then… He was 28 and just beginning his life, he had a brain aneurysm and passed away in the hospital. He donated many of his organs and  saved many lives with his last great gift.

I remember Jay as the younger brother of Rob, Kevin’s best friend that lived down the street from us growing up. Kevin and Rob as well as a number of neighborhood kids including Jay were in and out of our house and we were in and out of theirs. I have memories of Jay flying through, trying to keep up with Kevin and Jay. As Jay grew older he became interested in the same music I was interested in, I saw him at a few Ani shows, Bella Fleck, and others local bands that I cannot remember now. He was funny, sweet and kind.

At the memorial his wife put together interviews with people in his life in California, set up different speakers from through out his life as well as showing some of his short films and many, many pictures of him. It was funny and terribly, terribly sad. With such a well documented life, you almost expected him to walk out on stage. While his oldest brother was speaking about him on stage at the state theater, due to stress and lack of eating he passed out. Falling forward onto the podium breaking it as he fell. In the words of my mother “this is too much, just too much”. Chris was taken away by ambulance and we were later told he was bruised but fine. There was panic, crying and lots of praying. The whole memorial service was really hard and done with such love and affection for him.  I was seeing images for weeks afterwards.

I have been milling Jay around in my mind since December and my is wish for everybody to know Jay at least a little bit. His wife has put together a website and a foundation in his honor. It shows pictures of  Jay, some of his work and talks about the foundation.

http://jamesjosephkaplan.com

 

check back soon for the updates that are being added. The website is a good way for people to get to know Jay a little bit. The memorial service ended with a video of Jay singing “forever young” by Neil Young. With a tears in my eyes I left the theater singing this song and thinking of Jay.

May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

Jamie Maverick Beige

 Jamie Maverick Beige (names have been changed, except his middle name) is a 5 year old in my program. He is being adopted by Daddy-O and Papa in June. Daddy-O is a very tall, round guy that looks like a lumber jack, Papa is a tiny hipster guy and Jamie is their son. Jamie comes to us from a behavioral program during the day. The little guy can’t keep his hands off of people, he runs, swears, spits, pulls things out of people’s hands, you name it he does it. He does well with us though, and he and I have a special bond. I spend one-on-one time with him, he is developmentally around 3 years old. He likes to play in the sink with the water, until he splashes it all over the room and I have to put and end to it. He likes to feed the chinchilla, although he is a little afraid of her. He helps me sweep, until he starts sweeping up other kids. He is a handful, but I have seen him come millions of miles since he started with us. He usually has home visits on Thursdays. His mom may show up, my be a grandparent, random cousin or nobody at all.

Daddy-O and Papa are fighting to have these visits stop all together, they are not opposed to him seeing his family, but the consistency is not there. Jamie trusts very few people, but he really trusts Daddy-O and Papa, when he gets hurt he cries for them, when he is super excited he wants to call them. To see the bond they have formed is amazing, sweet and refreshing. This little boy has found a place in my heart too and I am rooting for him and his family to make it. The adoption has been put off a few times for various reasons, this upsets Jamie. He needs the consistency and the knowledge that Papa and Daddy-O are his forever and they will not be taken away.

Yesterday, there was a major hiccup in home visits and the adoption process.  Jamie has decided to take Daddy-O’s last name and had started practicing writing it, the adoption date was on the horizon, they were all going to buy new suits and have a party. They are also talking about changing his middle name, Maverick does not work for them. Then the rug was pulled out, everything was put off until June and his home visits simultaneously were changed to everyother Thursday. All of this was too much for 5 year old Jamie. He was out of control and violent, spitting, headbutting, swearing. I had to call Daddy-O to come get him. My heart was broken, so was his. He cried Leeeeaaaaah, please let me stay, while he was sobbing away. As hard as it was, I believe he needs consistency and if he breaks the rules he goes home (that is a rule for everyone). He cried as he left and apologized over and over, I was in turmoil the rest of the day about it. He has so much going on, it’s no wonder he was lashing out. I felt it was the best decision for him, I still care about him and will be happy to see him today and give him a hug like I always do. But, he needs to follow the rules there are consequences for his behavior.

I dreamed about him all night. At least I know he had Daddy-O and Papa to talk about it with. And I have my Nola, one of her first questions when we see each other at the end of the day is “how is Jamie?”